Michael Owen doesn't tell his children he loves them - how big a deal is that?

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Michael Owen doesn't tell his children he loves them - how big a deal is that?
- Published
England football legend Michael Owen sparked debate this week after saying he "never ever" tells his children he loves them - despite them being "the most dearest things in the world" to him.
"I don't say anything like that," the father-of-four told Jamie Laing in a podcast interview., external "I just assume my actions would show them that I love them. I think most of us are like that."
While some were surprised at Owen's comments, saying they always make sure to tell their children how they feel, other parents say they share the ex-striker's outlook.
The exchange has highlighted different attitudes around parenting, gender and culture, and raises the question - just how important are those three simple words?
Actions, words, or both?
Experts tell us making your child feel loved comes from more than just a simple turn of phrase.
Educational psychologist Dr Patricia Britto says while words can often be crucial, the most important thing is that a child feels "safe, valued and emotionally secure".
"We shouldn't conclude that children have been psychologically damaged and harmed simply because they don't hear those words," she tells the BBC. "They may experience love very clearly through actions."
Dr Britto says the bigger issue for many children is whether they feel affection is "consistently communicated" which can come through both words and actions, or better yet a combination of the two.
"If you said to a child 'I love you, I love you' but you never turn up to any of their football games or shows, they might not actually feel loved. They might just feel they are empty words."
Dad Aaron Dale, host of the Raisingboys2men podcast and author of a book on parenting, agrees.
"It's not words or actions - they shouldn't compete against each other, they should complement each other.
"Words are to speak the message and actions are the evidence."
Dale pointed to how his own father would often tell him "I love you" after letting him down, diminishing the meaning of the words.
However, some parents believe it is absolutely crucial their child hears that they are loved.
One father of a seven-year-old daughter, told us he was surprised by Owen's comments, describing them as "awful".
"You should always tell your children you love them no matter what, when they're bad, when they're good," he said.
And reacting online to the clip of Owen, another parent wrote: "Parents and potential parents do not listen to this man. Tell your kids you love them everyday, even when it annoys them."
Gender, generations and culture
To the outside observer, Owen's love for his children is not in doubt.
The trailer for his new show, Meet the Owens, shows glimpses of what appears to be a happy home life with his wife and children. And in 2024, the former England striker spoke movingly about his son James's sight loss, saying: "If I could give him my eyes... I would."
Pushed by podcast host Laing to explain why he doesn't let the 'I love yous' flow freely, Owen told Laing that "I would love to be a little bit soft".
"I'm definitely getting softer," he said, "but still not soft enough to say anything like that."
Using the word "soft" to describe telling your children you love them reflects long-standing attitudes many fathers have towards parenting, both Dale and Dr Britto suggest.
They say it's a result of different contexts, such as culture, class, gender and a generational divide
"I think that's the dangerous part there," Dale says, "the belief of what men should and what men shouldn't do."
Many fathers believe their role is simply to "provide", but they can do so much more, he says.
"Men are much more than just providers... what about our emotional capacity and willingness to have conversations and be there as fathers? And maybe we can't provide, but you know what? Our presence is at full capacity."
He adds that he thinks people's style of parenting "always stems from somewhere", including whether they were often told they were loved as a child.
Gender expectations and masculinity are not the only element at play, Dr Britto says.
"In some cultures they don't even use those words [I love you] at all," she says. "They may ask things like 'Have you eaten?' as a sign of love rather than actually saying 'I love you'."
She adds: "As an African myself, in Nigerian culture parents don't always say 'I love you'... but I still felt loved."
Parents also suggest that different generations may approach showing love for their children in different ways.
Reacting on social media, one says Owen is right to suggest actions speak louder than words: "My dad never said the words, but it was also never in doubt."
Another writes: "What's the big deal? My dad - and I'm sure most dads of our generation - didn't. He did something far, far better than emotional words he 'showed us' by his actions."
While Owen's comments may have triggered strong feelings, it is clear there are countless ways parents communicate love to their children.
Above all, says Dr Britto, it's about making sure children feel a sense of belonging. "Do they feel loved?" she says. "Do they feel wanted?
"Do they feel that they matter, rather than simply hearing the words?"
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  - Published24 January 2024

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