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Kids tend to express their emotions in actions. Toddlers scream and hit when they don't get their way. Middle schoolers stomp out of the room when they get angry. Teenagers roll their eyes and slam doors to express frustration or disapproval. As a psychologist and co-author of "Parents Have Feelings, Too," I've worked with hundreds of parents who feel overwhelmed when their child doesn't listen, misbehaves or throws tantrums for no discernible reason. Some of them try to negotiate with their children. Others become frustrated and lose their cool. Both approaches can leave parents feeling even more taxed and out of control. Misbehaving is a normal part of childhood. And it's a form of communication, like a set of clues to the scary feelings and worries behind the meltdowns. Parents who can follow their children's clues and address their underlying emotions set kids up for long-term success. These kids become more emotionally intelligent, which helps them weather setbacks, embrace independence and try new things. The next time your child acts out, try doing these five things. 1. Calm yourself first Whether your toddler is having a tantrum or your teenager is yelling at you, it's normal to feel rattled and even lose your cool. But children learn by witnessing what we do, so try to stay calm amid the chaos. Pause and take five deep belly breaths. This might sound simple, but deep breathing delivers oxygen to our muscles, which helps elicit the body's relaxation response. Emotions are contagious, which means that when parents remain calm, kids "catch" their calm and learn how to regulate their own big feelings. 2. Act like a detective, not a CEO When kids act up, you may be tempted to tell your child to "knock it off!" Or you might jump into problem-solving mode. But taking charge can cause kids to shut down and hurt their self-confidence. Instead of acting like a CEO, approach the situation like a detective. Try to adopt a curious mindset, asking yourself: "What might be going on for my kid right now that's driving this behavior?" For example, a child who lies may be afraid of getting into trouble, while a teen who rejects boundaries may want more independence. Let your child know that telling the truth will always be applauded, and invite your boundary-pushing teen to brainstorm with you about the things they want. When you identify the underlying driver, you've solved the mystery, which is more than half the battle. 3. Help your child name their emotions A child's misbehavior can be what psychologists call a "defense." Defenses — like being dishonest, avoiding, criticizing others and misdirecting anger — are brilliant ways we protect ourselves from painful emotions. Defenses temporarily numb potent feelings like shame, guilt or sadness, but they don't help kids "feel and deal" with life's challenges in the long run. Finding language for our feelings is called "emotion naming," which helps calm down the brain's amygdala and take the edge off big feelings. Try to help your child name the emotions that their defenses cover up. Simply asking "Are you sad?" "Are you angry?" or "Are you worried?" is a good start. 4. Investigate if your behavior plays a role Children imitate behaviors that they witness at school and at home. If your child's misbehavior keeps repeating, reflect on your own actions. Ask yourself: - "How do I cope with my own emotions?" - "What do I do when I feel angry, sad, anxious or fearful?" - "Do I use defenses to cope with painful emotions instead of dealing with them?" - "Does my child's behavior mirror my own?" Simply taking a moment to identify and validate your own emotions and seek what you need goes a long way. Begin by scanning your body from head to toe. What sensations do you notice? A heaviness in your chest can be a sign of sadness, and may mean you need support from your partner or a friend. Anger, on the other hand, can make your body temperature rise and your jaw feel tense, and might indicate you need to set a boundary, take time for self-care or address a problem. 5. Consider how unresolved stress plays a role Daily as well as prolonged stress affect the mind and body. Stressors can rattle a child's nervous system, making it harder for them to regulate their emotions. As a psychologist, I know that this dysregulation can affect how a child behaves. It's why kids often regress when a new baby is born or when they go through a tough transition. It's also why kids often melt down when they're overtired. The acronym "H.A.L.T." — which stands for hungry, angry, lonely or tired — can help parents pinpoint underlying stressors that may be making it harder for kids to regulate their feelings and leading them to act out. Try meeting their needs first and see if their behavior shifts. A well-timed snack, nap or quality time can be the perfect reset. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of the book "Parents Have Feelings, Too." She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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